Fingers curled toward palms, fists clenched in tight balls.
Eyes shut tight, breaths coming rapidly.
Thoughts racing, whirling, condemning, loud.
Hello again perfectionism. Self recrimination. Making me want to crawl right out of my skin and hide from this messy, risky, flawed life.
I made a mistake this morning. I doubt that many people even know. Possibly no one.
I was enjoying my morning routine, and was feeling optimistic about all the creative and productive things I could do today. (Interpret this to mean I had logged in to Pinterest...) I saw an image that I pinned to one of my boards, and described it naming the blog where I think I saw it. Don't really know why I did-after all, the magic of Pinterest is that you don't have to keep track of sources.
Fast forward hours later and I'm just settling the little one down for a nap, and f.r.e.e.z.e.-the realization that I'd typed in the wrong blog paralyzes me.
Really? Paralyzes? Sadly, yes.
Unable to function, I quickly move to my computer to right my wrong, and before I know it, I'm following old and unproductive paths more concerned about getting things right than savoring sweet afternoon nap time, or more importantly having maturity enough to remember there's grace enough for the likes of me.
See, I profess to live for Christ alone and by grace alone. If that's true, why is a little speck like me so concerned about her presence in the vast cyber world? The God of the Universe has covered me and made me righteous, and instead of letting air fill my lungs and peace restore my mind, I rush to log in, click, delete, edit - phew. I've made things right.
Have I? Seems to me there's only One who can get it Right. And I think, because He loves me, He sometimes draws me hard up against my lurking sin problems and imperfections and compels me to hide myself in the shadow of His wings.
Because that is the only right place, in His shadow. I create structures, routines, personas, constructs-all kinds of "Laura Made" places that with a few careless key strokes crumble.
What mystery that God takes my failing frail life and uses my weakness to show Himself strong.
So, now that I can breathe again, I understand that there is an appropriateness to giving credit where credit is due, and taking care to properly cite sources. I'll be quite a bit more cautious in the future, and that seems an okay position since I believe that it's good stewardship to guard intellectual property for others and myself. Obviously, my fingers have uncurled enough to type.
Why write it all down so publicly? Well, I started all this to mark the days of authentic living, messy grace, sincere relationship, faith forming, struggle, abundance producing life together. Perhaps I'll come to learn that marking the dangerous and difficult parts of the path is where grace and God's goodness is most generously evident, and that should always be public.
(And, following all of this, I've removed the pin. I don't want any evidence to remain of me trying to do anything right...Less of me. More of Him.)