I Keep Learning the Secret of the Keeper

He knew what I didn't, and in spite of his best efforts, the secret spilled.

Fifteen years ago, belly round with child, heart pregnant with fear and hope,( for I have known one of the worst kind of loss, and in its shadow had been given new life), my tears trickle onto the pillow.

As I wrestle with my deep desire for a daughter - knowing I can't replace the daughter I've had and released - I want to be grateful for the gift the Giver has given.  I don't want to receive the gift on my terms. Troubling terms which want only a "X".  I want to be willing to embrace "Y" knowing in full what that good gift is, having received it two times over, but stopped up by grief  feel incapable.

It's no longer a trickle.  The mattress tremors as it transfers my heaves.  And he stirs.

"Laura, the LORD has heard the desire of your heart.  It's a girl."  Roll. Whiffling.  He slumbers on.

And I tremble deep.

Relief calms. I don't have to fight with myself anymore.

False guilt makes a brief appearance, but I remember the Father delights to give his children good gifts, and why not me?  It's the Giver's prerogative.

And fear, although it comes each day and must be swallowed down hard, cannot keep her from her birth.

At first, each moment roared it's message - He is good!  And slowly, but certainly, the years and layers of years quieted the message, until I either selfishly assumed the goodness or feared its lack.

Pillow again wet, far more than a decade has passed and I am in the grip of wanting only what I'd like to receive, not what the Giver offers.  Can the mattress withstand what the years of fear have compressed into its coils?

Oh, glory, yes.  That seed of a girl planted in me so many years ago, now a lovely young flower, walks with me in the garden the next day, and we harvest what has been so hard fought this season.

In heat, drought, infestation - the Grower and Giver of Life has given undeservedly and provided what is succulent, nourishing, and pleasant.  And unlike the secret spiller, He has never slept.  Instead He keeps me and all that He loves.